Fear and Trembling
I had a lot of time to think today. It has been, for me, a rough couple of years. Not for lack of wonderful and amazing, there's been a lot of that too. But the past two years in particular have held for me a unique string of challenges. As a result of these challenges, I've spent a lot of time pondering what it means to spend time being afraid. I'm kind of a natural worrier in that I don't have to work at it at all, I worry about everything. I've never considered myself to be a fearful person but in some ways, worry and fear are really the same thing in different outfits. I worry about my husband traveling, if I will meet deadlines for my work, if I will ever graduate from seminary, if our job situations will hold, if my mom will be ok, if my dad will be ok, if my brother and sister-in-law will be ok, if my nieces will make it through Jr. High relatively unscathed, when my husband and I will have children, whether my business will be successful, and so on.
I have a theory about fear. I think it eats away at us and when it comes down to it, is probably the source of a lot of the bad in the world. Some say the source of the worlds ugliness is people's desire for power or wealth, but I think even those two mega motivators are often driven more out of fear of not having them than the desire for them. This is just a theory though. However, in the wake of these past couple years I'm starting to wonder what I'm so worried about. I have experienced some things I didn't think I would ever be able to handle. And not only have I survived them but I think I'm doing ok. Granted, there often exists a need for an obligitory melt-down, or rage-fest. Both of which usually cluminate in a bubble bath and going to bed at 8.
I guess what I'm starting to say is that I'm look into going worry light. I'm not sure how this will play out pragmatically or if I'll even get close. But I've come to see that for all my worrying, I think I've discovered a strength inside me that I would like to learn to trust more, and maybe even relish. I'll consider that for now.
I have a theory about fear. I think it eats away at us and when it comes down to it, is probably the source of a lot of the bad in the world. Some say the source of the worlds ugliness is people's desire for power or wealth, but I think even those two mega motivators are often driven more out of fear of not having them than the desire for them. This is just a theory though. However, in the wake of these past couple years I'm starting to wonder what I'm so worried about. I have experienced some things I didn't think I would ever be able to handle. And not only have I survived them but I think I'm doing ok. Granted, there often exists a need for an obligitory melt-down, or rage-fest. Both of which usually cluminate in a bubble bath and going to bed at 8.
I guess what I'm starting to say is that I'm look into going worry light. I'm not sure how this will play out pragmatically or if I'll even get close. But I've come to see that for all my worrying, I think I've discovered a strength inside me that I would like to learn to trust more, and maybe even relish. I'll consider that for now.
If only us women could let go of fear for things we have no control over... ironically, that's the greatest source of fear for me.
ReplyDeleteOh, Sara...we are a lot alike. I truly love your writing. I just conquered a bit of fear and traveled to Paris with Emma and Signe WITHOUT Jeff!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, my red "Balance" sweatshirt is my comfort blanket this year abroad...tattered and stained and I love it.
Khudalini has helped me think more clearly. I have a long, long, long road to go but leaving behind the fog of a worrysome mind and practicing this type of yoga has brought clarity and peace to me in small doses....I recommend it, at least to try once.
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